I originally wrote this about six months after Big Boy was born, and prior to my pregnancy with Little Man
As some of you know, I was planning and praying to birth Big Boy naturally. My dream was shattered after my water broke and labor did not begin naturally, followed by a failed attempt at induction that ended in his birth by cesarean. After Big Boy's birth, I was left facing PPD and questioning my faith and trust in God. I just did not understand why God would say, "No!" to me in such a significant way. I honestly had never prayed harder about anything in my life.
Since the beginning of my pregnancy, I prayed, with faith, asking God to grant my wish for a successful natural birth and even wrote in my journal, "Lord, I just don't want a c-section." When that was what I got, my heart was shattered. To be honest, I was angry and I was left with two choices, trust God, that He loves me and has the best for me in mind, or ,doubt Him. I unfortunately went with the latter. Thankfully, God is much bigger than my doubt and is faithful to me regardless of my attitude towards HIM. He never gives up on me.
Although I am not completely emotionally healed from Luke's birth, I am on the road to recovery and God has been doing some amazing things in my heart. One thing that He pointed out to me is that Jesus Himself received a "No" in response to His prayer to "Let this cup pass from Me." WOW! If God the Father tells Jesus, "No!" then who in the world am I to think that I deserve any better? This also points out that my answered prayer did not result in a no due to my lack of faith. Who has more faith than Jesus Himself? Another thing that God has humbled me with is a quote from Beth Moore, "I am freed to know that my God is huge and my God is able. Therefore, I know that there is a greater yes in progress whether realized here or in heaven."
I can stop asking, "Why?" b/c the truth is, I may never know the answer until I get to heaven. What I must choose to do is trust God and bring Him glory through my trial. After all, the Bible challenges Christians, "whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow" (James 1:2-3). The point is not to pretend to be happy when we face pain, but to have a positive outlook b/c of what troubles can produce in our lives. Tough times teach us perseverance and can be great times of learning if we let them. So now my prayer is that I will continue to persevere!