Background

Christian Hip-hop has really spoken to my heart recently. I encourage you to read the below lyrics. Lord Jesus, please take the lead in my life, AMEN!

I could play the background,

I could play the background,

'Cause I know sometimes I get in the way

So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?

So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?

And I could play the background, background

And you could take the lead

Verse 1:

It's evident you run the show, so let me back down

You take the leading role, and I'll play the background

I know I miss my cues, know I forget my lines

I'm sticking to your script, and I'm reading all your signs (Aye)

I don't need my name in lights, (Aye) I don't need a starring role

Why gain the whole wide world, If I'm just going lose my soul?

And my ways ain't purified, don't live according to Your Word

I can't endure this life without Your wisdom being heard

So word to every dancer for a pop star

'Cause we all play the background, but mine's a rockstar

Yeah, so if you need me I'll be stage right

Praying the whole world would start embracing stage fright

So let me fall back, stop giving my suggestions

'Cause when I follow my obsessions, I end up confessin'

That I'm not that impressive, matter of fact

I'm who I are, a trail of stardust leading to the superstar

Hook:

I could play the background

I could play the background

'Cause I know sometimes I get in the way

So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?

So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?

And I could play the background, background

And you could take the lead

Verse 2:

Yo, I had a dream that I was captain of my soul

I was master of my fate, lost control, and then I sank

So I don't want to take the lead, 'cause I'm prone to make mistakes

All these folks who follow me, goin' end up in the wrong place

So just let me shadow you, just let me trace your lines

Matter of fact, just take my pen, here, you create my rhymes

'Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll succeed

And no longer trust in You, 'cause I only trust in me

And see, that's how you end up headed to destruction

Paving a road to nowhere, pour your life out for nothin'

You pulled my card, I'm bluffin', You know what's in my hand

Me, I just roll and trust you, You cause the dice to land

I'm in control of nothing, follow You at any cost

Some call it sovereign will, all I know is you the boss

And man, I'm so at ease, I'm so content

I'll play the background, like it's an instrument

Hook:

I could play the background

I could play the background

'Cause I know sometimes I get in the way

So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?

So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?

And I could play the background, background

And you could take the lead

Bridge:

I know I'm safest when I'm in Your will, and trust Your Word

I know I'm dangerous when I trust myself, my vision blurred

And I ain't got no time to play life's foolish games

Got plenty aims, but do they really Glorify Your name?

And it's a shame, the way I want to do these things for You, yet

Don't even cling to you, take time to sit and glean from You

It seems like You were patient in my ignorance

If ignorance is bliss, it's 'cause she never heard of this

Hook:

I could play the background

I could play the background

'Cause I know sometimes I get in the way

So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?

So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?

And I could play the background, background

And you could take the lead

Hook:

I could play the background

I could play the background

'Cause I know sometimes I get in the way

So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?

So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?

And I could play the background, background

And you could take the lead

What to Say

       Ever wonder what to say to someone when they're experiencing something like a miscarriage? I've been overwhelmed by kind words and thoughts over the past through days, but I've also heard a few things that really don't help.

Here's my list of things "NOT to Say" to a friend or loved one that has just experienced a pregnancy loss:

At least it was early

It's better this way

You can have more children

There's a reason for everything

You were barely pregnant

This was nature's way of ending a doomed pregnancy

You're weren't trying yo get pregnant anyway

You can share my baby with me

While all of these things may be true and come from a place of well-meaning- there's a time and a place for everything and sometimes just a simple, "I'm sorry this happened to you," is the best thing you can say. 

The kind and compassionate responses that I have received have far out-weighed the negative and I can even begin to tell you how grateful I am for each kind word, thought, or prayer that has been sent my way. I wanted to share with you two messages that were very helpful and touching:

"oh Robin!
im so sorry that you lost a little one!
Of course there are lots of emotions. I can think that there would be betrayal (by your body), loss, grief, frustration, lack of understanding, anger, confusion, isolation, and much more i'm sure. It must have been so scary! I've never lost a baby so young, but i've known (sadly) many who have. So often their experience is discounted because "they weren't 'that far' along" or it was "just a miscarriage" or "it wasn't even a baby yet" and lots of other, terrible, thoughtless WRONG things. I am sorry that our culture does not give acknowledgment for such a huge loss. Especially with our knowledge of ovulation, early ultrasounds, and pregnancy tests we know we are pregnant SO much earlier and are able to bond so much earlier. I know some people, depending on their belief system, think that they have a baby right from the start and other people who don't. i know you so tenderly shared your devout Christianity with me and so i'm guessing, this tiny one, you will always know as your third child.
I am just so sorry. I am so sorry for you and your husband and his or her big brothers!. Did you have a feeling if your little love was a boy or a girl?Did you have any kind of ceremony for him or her, name, cuddles with your husband? i've heard lots of cool things being done...writing little notes of wishes you had/would have had for your child and burying them, creating a journal, naming butterflies after them (so beautiful and don't last very long).
If you wish not to talk or think about it, that is also really normal and then i'm sorry for blabbing on. i'm just so sorry you are having to deal with this heartache. you are obviously such a loving mother, i'm glad at least your little one could grow inside such a loving soul, his or her whole life.

so so sorry Robin. i hope though your tears you find some times of peace.

((((((((((((((((((LOVE))))))))))))))))))) "

and

"I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know that although I don't know exactly the feelings you have right now (because loss is such a personal experience); on some level I can empathize with you b/c I have felt the pain of losing a baby. I can think of no greater cruelty in this world than for a mother to anticipate the birth of another child (no matter how far along) only to have those hopes torn away. My heart breaks with you today. Of course I still hope that maybe they were wrong, but I totally understand the up down roller coaster that comes with those emotions so I'll let you lead on how to pray in that arena. :( I will be praying for you today regardless and for the days to come."

I think just acknowledging that there was a life and empathizing is extremely helpful. There are so many mixed emotions that come along with experiencing a miscarriage and, if nothing else, I am taking away a new-found compassion and empathy from this experience hoping that I can reach out to someone in the future that , God-forbid, has to go through a similar situation. 

What about you? If you've experienced a miscarriage or loss, what types of things/ words did you find helpful and vice versa? 

What Happened

       Later Friday evening, went to the bathroom and noticed a bit of blood when I wiped. Don't PANIC. I told myself- some bleeding is normal (although nor for me). I went to bed that night hoping I had just overdone it that day and resolving that I would rest and drink plenty of fluids the next day and it would stop...
      I awoke Saturday to more blood- not spotting, but not too heavy either. I decided to call my OB and get his opinion. He told me to try not to worry- that 1/3 of normal pregnancies have significant bleeding in the first trimester- that I could come in if I wanted to the ER and get an ultrasound, or wait until Monday and come into the office. I decided to wait.
     Sunday morning I woke up to cramps- headed to the bathroom and passed some clots- I knew, without a doubt, this was not normal pregnancy bleeding- my baby had passed...
      I spent 5 hours in the ER and confirmation from the Ultrasound of Doom that my babe had no heartbeat and had stopped developing around 4-5 weeks; my hcg levels were also comparable to a 4-5 wk pregnancy. The doctor asked me if there was anyway my dates could be off, and there isn't.
     I go back tomorrow to get my hormone levels re-checked. So far, my body has been getting rid of the pregnancy on its own- I pray that it continues to do this as I would love to avoid a D&C. I'm trying to return to normal life; I do have peace about the whole situation- peace that surpasses all understanding- but I can't help but think that this tiny life has forever changed me. I'm on "the other-side of the fence," having never experienced a miscarriage before, and praying that God will use it for good (I know he will).

On Losing the Baby...

     SO here I am.... this is uncharted territory for me; please excuse the following fragmented thoughts and run-on sentences- that's where my brain is right now; SO many emotions-

Baby Gone

sadness

NUMB

hurt

relief

GUILT

confusion

       PEACE

I dream of what you would have been like;

your hair;

your eyes;

your tiny fingers and toes;

I grieve that I will never know you on earth-

but have hope of kissing you in heaven.

   

On Being Pregnant for the Third Time...

     So, if you haven't heard, I'm expecting my third child at the end of next June- wow- writing that out actually makes it seem more real. To be honest, I've had such mixed emotions about this whole pregnancy and often question it's reality- LOL! I guess it never truly sinks in until you hear that heartbeat (or at least that;s what seals the deal for me). I've always wanted 3 children, but was so hoping to wait until Little Man was more like 3 before conceiving again. I think I'm in shock really. I also kind of feel snotty for "complaining." Conceiving easily truthfully is a blessing that I know I should not take for granted. (I have yet to plan one of my pregnancies and at the risk of giving you TMI, let's just say that this one was also a "ONE-IN-A-MILLION" shot).  "The fruit of the womb is a reward," right?


    To be honest, I'm scared. I was just getting use to mothering two (yes it took me a full year to get there), and the thought of three is somewhat terrifying to me. I'm really hoping the old, "Transition from two to three is easy-peasy," is actually true. My children will be 3 1/2, 20 mths, and newborn- nothing sounds easy about that to me! But it is what it is, and I'm looking on the bright side of knowing that I won't have to put all the baby stuff away only to drag it all back out again. This is the last time I will have to get out the maternity clothes; the last time to endure the fatigue of the first trimester; the last time to wonder what kind of little person is growing inside me; my last labor; ok and so to be honest, the finality of it all also kind of saddens me... 


     So I apologize for the mishmash of thoughts and run-on sentences in the above post, but that's kind of where my brain is at this point in time... Prayers, good vibes, and thoughts are much appreciated! 

Paper Mama Photo Challenge- "Halloween"

Two Easy Ways to Earn Extra $$ this Holiday Season

          SO, how many of you would like to earn some extra cash to help purchase Christmas gifts this year? I know our budget is pretty tight so I take advantage of every opportunity that I can to earn free stuff. Two of my favorite (and easy) ways to earn cash/ giftcards online are SWAGBUCKS and Sponsored Tweets.


        Swagbucks.com is an online portal dedicated to helping you earn digital dollars called "Swag Bucks", which can be redeemed for exclusive Swagbucks.com merchandise. To date, I have earned 17 $5 AMAZON.com giftcards this year- yes, that's $85 worth of free merchandise just for searching the net (which most of you probably already do anyway). Ok, so it's not actual cash, but there are literally hundreds of prizes to be earned and seriously, if it's not on Amazon, you prob don't need it anyway. Basically, you sign up, download the tool bar, search and then win points for certain searches. I usually just search for sites I was already going to be visiting anyway like Facebook, Twitter, etc., and I always win at least twice a day! It sounds too good and easy to be true- but it really is THAT simple! If you're still not convinced, click here to visit their "How it Works" video tutorials to learn more. If you're ready to start winning- sign up here. :)


      My other favorite way to earn some extra cash is Sponsored Tweets. This application actually earns you direct paypal (although you can't withdraw until you reach $50 or you lose some of it). How many of you are already on twitter and tweeting daily anyway? Basically, you set up an account and then different advertisers offer you chances to tweet out ads for them. All tweets/ ads must first be approved by you so if there's a company you don't feel comfortable advertising for, you can simply decline. I've been using Sponsored Tweets for about 3 months now and have earned $25 in paypal. Simple, easy, and awesome to earn some extra $$ for this holiday season! Click here if you'd like to start earning today! 


     I hope at least a few of you will be able to take advantage of these awesome online opps and earn a few easy bucks- I know in our single-income home, ever dollar counts! 


Disclaimer- I do earn points for both applications if you should decide to sign up for either one. The original intent of the post is not to spam people, however, but to give my readers some ideas on how to earn extra money to help offset holiday costs.