Birth Matters

          SO I have baby on the brain lately. Everywhere I go, it seems there are newbie squishees... The crazy part is that I've never really been a "newborn" person. Maybe it just took me awhile to "warm-up" to them, or maybe it's just because as each day progresses, Little Man looks less like a baby, and much more like a boy and it's making me extremely sentimental...
       Anywho, I've been chatting back-and-forth with a friend that is struggling with the thought of TTC after previously having a cesarean. It's crazy how much one scar can lead to so many...
        She asked me, "Why does birth matter so much to me?" I've often asked myself that very same question. Why is it that I would fight to- the-death for something that other woman will happily do heavily sedated and on their backs? Why does it matter so much to me? 
       The more I think about it, the more it seems to be a very personal answer. I guess the answer that I've come up with is that we were created to give birth- our bodies were made to push a baby out and if you are in tune with the natural flow of life, then that desire is recognized. Or at least that's why birth matters to me. I know in my brain that normal birth is better for me and my baby, I know what the research says about its importance, but I'm not always sure why it's such an ingrain desire. I'm sure it's different for different women. 
       I'd love to hear your thoughts on why birth matters to you (and if it doesn't, with all due respect, please don't bother to comment). 

Mommy Confession 10/365

         * Gasp- gulp, yep, I let my son(s) watch television...  I was one of those people that always said my children will never be babysat by the TV (and did pretty well at the start considering we didn't even own a TV until Big Boy was 2 1/2), but alas, I gave in. Something happened when Little Man was born- he was so high-need and colicky and demanded every minute of my attention while we were being snowed-in during one of the snowiest, coldest winters I can remember. One day, as I was nursing the babe for what seemed like the millionth time in a three- hour stretch, I came across a video of Elmo on my laptop- Big Boy was mesmerized! He sat and watched an entire episode that I had downloaded off of iTunes. Thus started the downward spiral...
      In all honesty, I'm not a proponent of television viewing for young children, too much is obviously bad for their development, but a little here and there in the name of motherhood sanity isn't going to kill them (thank the Lord for PBS- quality educational programming with little advertising). 
      As I took this picture today and was pondering how adamant I once was about the television issue, I started thinking about how judgmental I use to be of other mothers/ parents before ever having my own. I then came across the following video:



Does any of that video resonate with you? It sure does with me! And although there are a few items on there that are deal-breakers for me, if there is anything I've learned from my short stint in mothering, it's that no mother has it all together all the time and that every mother wants the best for her children. We all go into survival mode from time-to-time. I'd love to see more women rallying behind each other in encouragement rather than judging and condemning because, let's face it, none of us are perfect.

Why I Can't Talk on the Phone... 7/365

No catchy poem with this one- I stepped out of the room for seriously no more than 3 minutes and this is what I came back to.  Hence why texting is easier than conversing these days :)

LIFE LESSONS- Tales of a Domestic FAIL and Why I Started this Blog

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself,"- Anna Quindlen

Is there really any job out there that's better at making you feel inadequate than mothering? Or maybe it's just me?... Anyone..., anyone out there feel the same way? From the moment I laid my eyes on my Big Boy, I felt both unimaginable love, yet also, incredible inadequacy. No one warned me about the feelings of guilt that would creep in at night before I hit the pillow; no one wrapped up "Advice about Inadequacy" in cute little ribbons with baby pins attached to it- yet here I was at a complete loss of words to describe what I was feeling. But maybe again, it's just me...

Before I became a mother I was an educator, a writer, a reader, a photographer, a dreamer. Somewhere between seeing a pink plus sign and blowing out that first candle, I became just "a mother." Now don't get me wrong, being a mother is the most wonderfully glorious, amazing gift that there is and I am by no means belittling the insurmountable task of raising another human being , but what I am saying is that often, along the road of mothering, we as women (or maybe again it's just me), lose ourselves- our true selves that make us capable of mothering. Let me try to explain. When I first had Big Boy, I continued to work outside of the home and so still had my "teacher identity" along with my "mother identity." My other loves and hobbies might have been overshadowed by my "mother" self, but I still had that teacher role to fulfill. After the birth of Little Man, I was blessed to get the opportunity to stay home full time with both of my beautiful boys, and yet six months into my "domestic life," I was honestly kind of miserable.

You see, what happened is that the moment I became just a "stay-at-home" mom, I expected that all the areas of mothering that I felt guilty about- all of my mothering inadequacies, would just magically disappear now that I had the time to work on mothering full-time. So when my house was still unorganized; the laundry still wasn't done; I STILL hadn't_____ (you can fill in the blank with any number of things that SAHM's are "suppose" to do), I felt both terribly inadequate and guilty for not being the "perfect" mom.

I grew up in a "Martha Stewartish" home where all things domestic came naturally to my mother and she flourished and glowed through that opportunity. I, on the other-hand, am completely opposite of Martha- Housekeeping-FAIL; Meal-planning- FAIL; SEWING-FAIL, the list could really go on and on, but we'll just leave it at Basically, I'm a domestic fail. The domestic life just doesn't come naturally to me. Something that God is starting to remind me of though is that although I may feel "inadequate" I am never inadequate in His eyes. He designed me in a particular way so that I could mother my boys just the way that they need to be mothered. He chose ME to be their mother based on those qualities that do come naturally to me such as reading, writing, spending time outdoors (I'm also seeing a pattern as to why I only have boys). AND He's here to hold my hand and make up for the areas that I do lack because ultimately, my children are HIS.

SO, I'm working on finding my own voice again to strengthen my mothering; to realize that I'm never going to be that woman that "has it altogether," and to be ok with that. Now that's not to say that I'm not trying to learn and get better at areas like meal-planning, house-cleaning, etc., but it is learning to accept the fact that it's OK if I'm not perfectly domestic.

I'm working on becoming my true self- being honest with myself about my strengths and weaknesses and not fretting over the areas that I lack in; being able to truly celebrate moms/ women that do flourish in areas that I lack, yet not be intimidated by them.

Thus my journey begins and the reason for my blog- to find my true self in light of WHO God made me to be and in light of His Grace and Mercy that allows me to be an imperfect mother.

This blog is my attempt to "think out loud" and renew my love for writing while sharing things that I am passionate about. It's more for me than anyone else (but maybe I will encourage someone else along the way).

In the end, it won't matter to my boys if their house was particularly organized- the laundry neatly folded into piles- their rooms decorated just so; but what they will remember is how their mother loved them and I hope finding myself again will enable me to love them better.

I can't go another day comparing myself to______, or beating myself up because my house isn't as clean as I think it should be. I could waste my whole life never to obtain that level of perfection and miss out on the small things that make my life so truly blessed- the kisses; the smiles; dirty knees- the love of boys that seem to have been in my life forever, yet yesterday all at the same time... I don't want to waste my life feeling inadequate, but again, maybe it's just me...