What to Say

       Ever wonder what to say to someone when they're experiencing something like a miscarriage? I've been overwhelmed by kind words and thoughts over the past through days, but I've also heard a few things that really don't help.

Here's my list of things "NOT to Say" to a friend or loved one that has just experienced a pregnancy loss:

At least it was early

It's better this way

You can have more children

There's a reason for everything

You were barely pregnant

This was nature's way of ending a doomed pregnancy

You're weren't trying yo get pregnant anyway

You can share my baby with me

While all of these things may be true and come from a place of well-meaning- there's a time and a place for everything and sometimes just a simple, "I'm sorry this happened to you," is the best thing you can say. 

The kind and compassionate responses that I have received have far out-weighed the negative and I can even begin to tell you how grateful I am for each kind word, thought, or prayer that has been sent my way. I wanted to share with you two messages that were very helpful and touching:

"oh Robin!
im so sorry that you lost a little one!
Of course there are lots of emotions. I can think that there would be betrayal (by your body), loss, grief, frustration, lack of understanding, anger, confusion, isolation, and much more i'm sure. It must have been so scary! I've never lost a baby so young, but i've known (sadly) many who have. So often their experience is discounted because "they weren't 'that far' along" or it was "just a miscarriage" or "it wasn't even a baby yet" and lots of other, terrible, thoughtless WRONG things. I am sorry that our culture does not give acknowledgment for such a huge loss. Especially with our knowledge of ovulation, early ultrasounds, and pregnancy tests we know we are pregnant SO much earlier and are able to bond so much earlier. I know some people, depending on their belief system, think that they have a baby right from the start and other people who don't. i know you so tenderly shared your devout Christianity with me and so i'm guessing, this tiny one, you will always know as your third child.
I am just so sorry. I am so sorry for you and your husband and his or her big brothers!. Did you have a feeling if your little love was a boy or a girl?Did you have any kind of ceremony for him or her, name, cuddles with your husband? i've heard lots of cool things being done...writing little notes of wishes you had/would have had for your child and burying them, creating a journal, naming butterflies after them (so beautiful and don't last very long).
If you wish not to talk or think about it, that is also really normal and then i'm sorry for blabbing on. i'm just so sorry you are having to deal with this heartache. you are obviously such a loving mother, i'm glad at least your little one could grow inside such a loving soul, his or her whole life.

so so sorry Robin. i hope though your tears you find some times of peace.

((((((((((((((((((LOVE))))))))))))))))))) "

and

"I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know that although I don't know exactly the feelings you have right now (because loss is such a personal experience); on some level I can empathize with you b/c I have felt the pain of losing a baby. I can think of no greater cruelty in this world than for a mother to anticipate the birth of another child (no matter how far along) only to have those hopes torn away. My heart breaks with you today. Of course I still hope that maybe they were wrong, but I totally understand the up down roller coaster that comes with those emotions so I'll let you lead on how to pray in that arena. :( I will be praying for you today regardless and for the days to come."

I think just acknowledging that there was a life and empathizing is extremely helpful. There are so many mixed emotions that come along with experiencing a miscarriage and, if nothing else, I am taking away a new-found compassion and empathy from this experience hoping that I can reach out to someone in the future that , God-forbid, has to go through a similar situation. 

What about you? If you've experienced a miscarriage or loss, what types of things/ words did you find helpful and vice versa? 

What Happened

       Later Friday evening, went to the bathroom and noticed a bit of blood when I wiped. Don't PANIC. I told myself- some bleeding is normal (although nor for me). I went to bed that night hoping I had just overdone it that day and resolving that I would rest and drink plenty of fluids the next day and it would stop...
      I awoke Saturday to more blood- not spotting, but not too heavy either. I decided to call my OB and get his opinion. He told me to try not to worry- that 1/3 of normal pregnancies have significant bleeding in the first trimester- that I could come in if I wanted to the ER and get an ultrasound, or wait until Monday and come into the office. I decided to wait.
     Sunday morning I woke up to cramps- headed to the bathroom and passed some clots- I knew, without a doubt, this was not normal pregnancy bleeding- my baby had passed...
      I spent 5 hours in the ER and confirmation from the Ultrasound of Doom that my babe had no heartbeat and had stopped developing around 4-5 weeks; my hcg levels were also comparable to a 4-5 wk pregnancy. The doctor asked me if there was anyway my dates could be off, and there isn't.
     I go back tomorrow to get my hormone levels re-checked. So far, my body has been getting rid of the pregnancy on its own- I pray that it continues to do this as I would love to avoid a D&C. I'm trying to return to normal life; I do have peace about the whole situation- peace that surpasses all understanding- but I can't help but think that this tiny life has forever changed me. I'm on "the other-side of the fence," having never experienced a miscarriage before, and praying that God will use it for good (I know he will).

On Losing the Baby...

     SO here I am.... this is uncharted territory for me; please excuse the following fragmented thoughts and run-on sentences- that's where my brain is right now; SO many emotions-

Baby Gone

sadness

NUMB

hurt

relief

GUILT

confusion

       PEACE

I dream of what you would have been like;

your hair;

your eyes;

your tiny fingers and toes;

I grieve that I will never know you on earth-

but have hope of kissing you in heaven.