Letter to an OB

8/26/10

Dear Dr. _______________,

       

            I'm not sure that you remember me or can picture my face any longer, but you delivered my son via cesarean just over three years ago. You were a wonderful surgeon and you did everything a "good" doctor is suppose to do. By medical definition, you were excellent- my physical scare was barely noticeable by six months postpartum, however, the emotional scars remained.  

          If you can remember, I was hoping to have a natural, intervention-free birth, but after 24+ hours of induced labor due to premature rupture of membranes, the decision was made to deliver via cesarean. I place no blame on you for that decision- it was mine based on the information that I was given (although knowing that I was making progress going from 10 % effaced to 75 % effaced may have altered my decision). What I do want to ask you to consider is your choice of words and the effect that they can have at a woman's most vulnerable moment.
           I can still hear the sentence you said to me as you were cutting my son from my body, "Wow! What a tiny baby! If you can't birth a baby this small, next time forget about the birth plan; forget about a VBAC; sign up for a cesarean." That one simple statement that was probably forgotten as soon as it hit your lips shook me to my core. I felt like a failure. Where compassion could have soothed, I was left with a cold, impersonal phrase that would haunt me and contribute to postpartum depression. Where kind words could have comforted (or even no words at all) and left hope, I was left with a stinging statement of inadequacy.
         If you can recall, my son was a tiny 6 lbs, 4 oz at birth. We later went on to find that he has mild CP which may have contributed to him being unable to be birthed vaginally. We will never know for sure, but what I am so about is that you have an awesome opportunity to either empower a woman at her birth, or tear her down. Words are windows, or they are walls.
        I just wanted to say that I forgive you for your words and hope that this letter can serve as a reminder that your bedside manner can carry long-term repercussions for your patients. A truly compassionate and kind physician is a rare gem in today's American medical practice, but those that choose to see their patients as more than just a name, are the ones that are excellent in my book.
       I'm not sure how far you will make it reading this letter (or if you will take the time to even read it at all), but in the end, it doesn't really matter as it's more for me than you. Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts and my hope is that this letter will help you think twice before you speak to a mother in future births.

Sincerely,

Robin Sayers

PS- I'm so glad I didn't listen to you! Two years after my son's birth, I birthed another son that was 7 lbs, 7 oz, and had his hand up by his head (w/ minimal tearing)! Over a full pound bigger and very healthy. I'm so grateful I found a physician that was willing to support me and empower me to make my own informed choices so that I could have a VBAC. 

Fluffy Rainbow

So I took the time to arrange and take this photo for a detergent contest on Facebook, but unfortunately, did not win (man there were some creative mamas). Since I took the time to take it, I wanted to share it here (and show off my stash- keep in mind I've won over half of them and the rest I bought mainly used). :)

Eco Monday- #1 of 12 New Things- Cloth Diapering 101

Ok. So I was going to sit down and type out all of the lingo surrounded by cloth diapering and give some tips, however, I'm a big believer in not "re-inventing the wheel," and after reading this post from Fluff Newbie, I've decided to just link to her. Enjoy her post- it's super thorough and a great read! :)

Breastfeeding Blitz

Isn't it amazing that it is acceptable for stores like Victoria's Secret to have huge posters of half-naked young girls with breasts spilling out of their bras on display, stores can display magazines with scantilly clad women on the cover, but a mom covering her breast with her child sparks outrage?!! Ridiculous. Has anyone else noticed a anti-breadtfeeding trend in the news lately? I sure have! A woman recently got kicked out of McDonald's for feeding her infant and another woman was asked to leave court because she was giving her child milk- seriously? Why have we become so "boobaphobic"?

If your sick and tired of women being persecuted for breastfeeding, please consider joining MamaPearDesigns Breastfeeding Blitz. While I'm all for discretion, I believe that a woman has a right (and so do their babies) to breastfeed (or be fed) when needed. I honestly don't know of any woman that is "out to show some skin" when trying to feed her baby. If you feel the same way, check out MamaPear's blog for details on what you can do to help! She's trying to get breastfeeding on as a topic for Oprah's last season. While I'm not a huge Oprah fan, we all know and can admit that she is a very influential woman in our society. MamaPear's blog has a form letter that you can copy and paste to email directly to Oprah.

Let's help change breastfeeding from being a taboo topic to being viewed as a normal, natural, and beautiful part of life.

Words Are Windows (or They're Walls)

Words Are Windows

(or They're Walls)

I feel so sentenced by your words,

I feel so judged and sent away,

Before I go I've got to know,

Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise in my defense,

Before I speak in hurt or fear,

Before I build that wall of words,

Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows, or they're walls,

They sentence us, or set us free.

When I speak and when I hear,

Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say,

Things that mean so much to me,

If my words don't make me clear,

Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,

If you felt I didn't care,

Try to listen to my words,

To the feelings that we share.

-Ruth Bebermeyer

Wordy Wednesday- ISH by Peter H. Reynolds

"One spring morning,

Ramon had a wonderful feeling.

It was a feeling that even ish words

and ish drawings could not capture.

He decided NOT to capture it.

Instead, he simply savored it..."

OK. Not going to lie here, this "children's book" is just as much for us adults- if not more so, than our children and that's why it is so very important!

Ish, by Peter H. Reynolds is the beautiful story of Ramon- a child that overcomes his insecurities to live "ishfully ever after." There's something so amazing and pure about children- they are naturally confident and risk-takers, but it seems that our society jades them all to early pushing them to focus on what is the "right" way to do something rather than encouraging their age-appropriate approximations.

Ramon thought of himself as an artist until his older brother saw one of his paintings and burst out laughing, "What is that?" From that day on Ramon started focusing on getting it "right" rather than enjoying his art. Eventually he ends up giving up on drawing altogether until he visits his little sister's room to find that she has turned all of Ramon's trash "wrong" drawings into a crumpled art gallery on her walls. "That was suppose to be a vase of flowers," Ramon said, "but it doesn't look like one." "Well it looks vase-ISH! " she exclaimed.

So it's true that your preschooler may not "get it" the first time you read it, but you sure will! I remember reading it to my kindergartners for the first time a few years back and tearing up at the end. One of my students consoled me by saying, "It's ok Mrs. Sayers. You can make a vase-ish flower too!" Aw, the innocence and loveliness of childhood!

Why not sit down with your little loved one and do some ish work? Big Boy and I sat down today to do some painting with water color. I've never thought of myself as an artist, but with the ish mindset you can let go of your insecurities about making something that is "good" and/or "right" and embrace the beauty of discovery and trial.

At the top of this post you will see Big Boy paining his "Bus-ISH" art and the finished product. Please excuse the facial expression- we'll just say he's being 3 :) And below his art is a little something that I call "Flower-ISH." By no means perfect or right, but I sure had a blast paining it with my son :) I think all of us adults could use a good dose of ish in our lives!